Shattered Heart
by Cintia J
Summary: After Killian's sacrifice, Emma lays on their house, thinking about their shared moments, and making an ultimate decision.


" _There's more to life than just looking for the next fight. You've got to look for the moments_ ".

Her father's words echoed in her memory, like if they were coming from a very distant time and place, and at the same time, feeling as close as if, stretching her hand, she could grab them. It seemed another life. Another Emma.

Things had happened so fast… They had just stepped out from one dark story, and they had already started another. But this was something she never saw coming. She was used by now to villains and their vicious powers and ruthless goals; to fight the darkness of others. But even that had changed. How to know what happened to light when darkness felt so immeasurably powerful and overwhelming… and it was inside of her? Could it even have the hope of survival?

For once, she thought, she would have liked to truly fall asleep. To forget about everything and have the chance to escape, at least for a few hours, to a different world, where nor guilt nor regret could follow her. She already have had her share of insomnia as the price of darkness, but even now, that darkness was gone, sleep kept eluding her, except for those short periods of slumber, plagued with nightmares. So, instead of hopelessly laying down, she walked across the dark dining room, towards the window. She never turned on the lights, not even at night. Neither when she was the Dark One. She didn't need them to know where everything was, and though it didn't bother her, there was something she found strangely unsettling in that house. Its quietness. The silence invading every single part of it, only broken by the sound of her own steps, going up the stairs, or walking from one room to another. A sound that stopped once she reached the window, and silently, like a shadowy breath, she moved the curtains, and stared at the magnificent sight stretching as far as her eyes reached. The sea was calm tonight. The stars shone and reflected in the restless mirror of its surface, as the moon cast its light turning the waves, alternatively, black and silver. She truly understood why he had said the sea was calming. There was something in its imperturbability, in the constant coming and going of the tide… As if reminding her that storms, as strong as they were, never affected more than one tiny part of its immense extension that remained serene, telling her " _I am more than the part you see_ ". Both calm and rough, but always of immeasurable beauty and power in its sapphire depths. Just like him.

She took a deep breath, closing her eyes for a moment, as she grabbed the ring pending from the silver chain, around her neck.

"That's not enough for me!"

The echo of her plea still rang on her ears, as she saw how he winced in pain, and paleness took over his face, the red cut on his neck only getting worse, and ripping him from her forever. She caressed his face with tender desperation, unwilling to accept what she was seeing. There was no life without him, not anymore. She couldn't lose him. She simply couldn't. And she wouldn't. Her hand didn't tremble when she took Excalibur and held it over his inert body, as she felt her heart breaking loudly inside her chest. A heart that was still alive, that he had won completely and that right now screamed at her to fight. To do whatever she could to save the man she loved. Was this destiny worse than death? Perhaps. But he would _live_. That's all that mattered. She truly didn't care what would happen to her if he could survive. Later it would be time to have hope.

It seemed unreal that only hours before, he had said " _let's do it and go home_ ". She could still hear the sound of those words, realizing she never once stopped to think that Storybrooke was not his home. That he was there because she did. When he said 'home', he meant her. She was his home. The one he considered worthy of exchanging his ship –all he had left– for. The least she could do was to do the same. She would be embracing darkness irrevocably, but it seemed a small price to pay if it meant she could save him. And as straps of darkness slid from the sword and took over him, tears rolled down her cheeks… He would hate her. He would never forgive her. But she couldn't simply let him die in her arms. Just as Neal, and Graham… And as the light of dark magic curled over him, and took him away from her, she closed her eyes in pain, knowing it was the only way. With her heart shattering in thousand pieces, she saw how his name appeared engraved in the blade, and how, as thousands of snakes, darkness crawled over her, taking her definitely where she couldn't come back from, her white, princess-like dress disappearing, replaced by a dark garment, with scales, like a strange, repulsive reptile. In a deep breath, she collapsed in the same field overflowing with middlemist flowers where he had reassured his promise that he would never stop fighting for them. Where they had kissed so lovingly, holding each other close, in a deep longing no one but them could understand… But now…

Emma walked away from the window, into the silent house. How strange it looked now that she stared back, at the past, to that ardent first moment they shared, destined to change her life forever. She would never forget how it took her by surprise, neither how, as their lips met, they tasted for the first time the unspoken need that sunk their hearts, that loss kept burning like an open wound… and discovering that being near each other, the pain faded. That after a passionately eager moment, it wouldn't be enough; that a 'one-time thing', something she wanted to turn into a promise to herself, was nothing to the secret yearning awoken in her soul... But after coming back to Storybrooke, the kisses they had shared lacked something. They were fiery, of course. Passionate. But just that. It lacked that sweet tenderness, that warm feeling spreading through her heart that had broken down the walls she had built around it, and healed her battered spirit… It lacked the reassurance they could always taste, in every caress, and every embrace. The promise of, simply, being there.

But it would never be enough. She could never have enough of him, even when once upon a time, she harboured the foolish thought that his could never be more than a mere infatuation… Something he would get over the moment he saw how broken she was, and how unlovable she could be. And maybe she was, but he was the first man who thought loving her was worthy; that she was worth coming back for, and giving up everything for a chance to see her again… She was not used to it. She felt unfamiliar with the notion of just being someone's reason to smile. Ten years had passed since she last felt that way. Ten years since the last time such tenderness and care touched her, their warmth chased away but the painful sting of betrayal and heartbreak, opening a wound only now was starting to heal… The thought of their mutual, loving kiss after their time travel adventure appeared in her head, and curled her lips in a sweet, but sad smile… For it was the sealing of a silent promise none of them had made before, but both wordlessly swore to keep. Nothing would be strong enough to tear them apart again. And she intended to honour it.

Emma let out a weary sigh, glancing around. At least in her solitude (as the Dark One she didn't like to think of the word "exclusion"), she could be as vulnerable as she felt. This house, this room, should be theirs. Not just hers. She laid on the couch, and, as sleep was impossible, she allowed her feelings and memories take over her. He once told her they had to enjoy the quiet moments… But right now it seemed that since she became the Dark One, those moments were only a few silver linings in the middle of a darkened sky stretching in front of her, distracting her from the thunders that roared announcing the storm she would soon have to weather. The last time she didn't thought about the fight ahead of her had been Camelot's royal ball, when she decided to play the princess part without worrying about what would come. She remembered that, sitting there, in front of a magnificent mirror, as her mother placed a crown of flowers on her head, the thoughts about the growing blackness inside of her were pushed to the back burner. Nothing was said just yet, but she was not alone this time. There may be a struggle ahead of her, but for the first time, she would have the help of those who slowly had taken over her heart and conquered a love that was hard to be won, but deep, and always sincere. She had lowered her head to her hands, resting on her lap, and admired the white dress her mother had helped her choose. Typically Snow's, she had thought, and mostly because it looked as if it was made out of real snow, like if, by some marvellous kind of magic, winter frost had been turned into threads. The wide sleeves fell in a gentle cascade down her arms, embroidered in the most delicate lace she had ever seen, as if they were tiny snowflakes united in a flowing shape, waving fluently and transforming in those fine figures she'd never seen before. It was so beautiful, so regal, that she didn't even mind the corset, and enjoyed it almost as a little girl when she stood up and the skirt opened up around her as a snowbell as she walked…

And upon reaching the ballroom, all dark thoughts definitely disappeared from her mind, as her name was announced, and a little nervously, she took her mother's hand, like making sure it was real, that she was actually there, with her. Upon seeing him waiting for her at the end of the staircase, she noticed his new attire, and at the sight of his red vest and long, black coat, she couldn't help a smile. She had fallen in love with him in his black, leather garments; the expression of his former self, something that at some point no longer reflected his true heart. Her own experience hardly allowed her to think about love as more than a mere fairy tale. She knew it only led to heartbreak. To pain, and betrayal. It was something only people like her parents could have and aspire to. She even used to think such idyllic love born at first sight could never be touched by darkness. But now, she understood. She and Killian hadn't fell in love at first sight. She wasn't everything a hero should be, not to mention a princess, and he was a brokenhearted villain listening to the voice of the darkness that fed his rage, his hate, and his solitude; a darkness that had taken possession of his soul, taking advantage of the weakness only with her he had started to strengthen. But their meeting had forced them to acknowledge what they always preferred to ignore; the aching void in their chests which filling was nothing but an illusion. It was the awakening of a need. A desperate need, an urge of closeness they hadn't felt in years…

"What we need is right in front of us", he had said, in their very first adventure together. And the meaning in those simple words soon became overwhelming in their truth. They simply couldn't stay indifferent, knowing, after each encounter, that there was someone who understood them so well, and that they weren't utterly lost. Somehow they knew they wouldn't come out unscathed from this. They had stumbled upon the other half of their hearts, hard to find, but always unwittingly looked for…

Tears started rolling down her cheeks upon remembering his betrayal back in Camelot. He had done what she completely discarded. His wicked smirk, his mocking voice, his hurtful words, the look in his eyes, lacking of all that loving warmth she could always see… After it took her so long to finally acknowledge her true feelings and let him in, allowing herself to be healed by his love, this was simply too much. Her heart could barely bear it. Not after everything they went through. Not after suffering all that pain for so many years… Not when, now that she thought about it, if one little thing had gone differently, they could have never found each other, and their paths only had gone more separated… If her father hadn't closed the wardrobe's door in time when she was baby… If he hadn't decided to drop the anchor in that port where Milah lived instead of the next or the previous… All that pain, somehow, had led her to him, just as his centennial sorrow had traced the path that took him to her. Abandonment, death and betrayal were wounds they had to suffer, to find healing in each other's love, to understand the true value of what they've just found, and not to let the opportunity slip through their fingers.

Falling in love had been a challenge. For both of them. But they remembered how happiness felt like, and how scared its fragility made them feel. Tears kept rolling down her cheeks, unable to stop, even when, since he was gone, and she lingered alone in that huge house, tears had eluded her. It felt like such a pain couldn't be expressed by mere tears. Her sorrow had been rather numbing, like if time had stopped; she remained quiet, staring into space, grabbing his ring and feeling nothing but the void in her heart, in which she fell slowly, endlessly... She closed her eyes, as hot tears rolled down her cheeks. He promised he would never leave her, that he was a survivor, and she shouldn't be scared of losing him… But he broke his word. And she had to be the one taking his life… She clenched her teeth in anger. She could still feel his inert hand, still warm, between hers, as she grabbed it, refusing to let go, as her heart screamed what her lips, still damped with the touch of their last kiss, only could sob.

The punishment was just too much.

Why?! Why this?! Why her happiness had to be always so brief? Why, after tasting such joy, it had to be replaced by the shattering pain of death? Why she just couldn't be happy once? But fate, apparently, seemed to believe in the sadistic need she had of losing those she loved in front of her, and with Killian, not just once, but three times. She had done everything in her power to avoid it, even putting up that horrible charade, sacrificing the love of her family, risking their fear and rejection, after it took her so long to find them and accept them, making them believe Darkness had engulfed her completely and she was now someone they didn't recognize, someone who wasn't Emma, but a twisted, darker version of the mother, daughter and friend they had known and loved, that didn't want to get rid of a power that had seduced her and taken her down the wrong path… And it wasn't enough? How couldn't it be enough?

But they could never have imagined that Darkness was never truly able of gaining its full grip on her, simply because Light had been stronger. The most powerful light magic of all had overpowered the darkness that crawled over her, and it could never reach her heart… She may have been weak a few times, giving in to the lure of the infinite power it gave her, and the endless possibilities it could bring… But she just couldn't forgive herself for pushing him down the path he fought so hard to abandon, just for her.

 _For me_.

She closed her eyes in pain, overwhelmed by the memories from their shared moments, in which they both found a happiness they thought lost forever… That had proved, just as he said once, that her heart still worked, and waking up to the warmth of the love she always tried to convince herself she didn't need, seeking comfort in him… And leading her to feel something she never felt before. She had been loved, yes. But never felt like she deserved it, never like this… Never seeing someone looking at her like the most precious thing in the world, like there was nothing else left and only her were enough to be happy. Never allowing herself to be loved in such a tender way, finding in him the soft side he denied back in the Enchanted Forest, that not even centuries of darkness could engulf… But most of all, never feeling she would give up anything, absolutely anything, just to see him again, to have him once more by his side… Just like he did when he traded his ship for her. Because there was nothing he valued most, nothing that could fill the emptiness her absence had left when they were torn apart, and she discovered she simply didn't want to leave him behind.

And then, she knew. In a sudden, glorious instant of inspiration, she found the answer that had been eluding her, but that, at the same time, had laid bare before her eyes. The second curse. The thing you love most. Her parents and the purest, truest love that could ever be, that not even death could tear apart, that had made them one and only heart since their kiss broke the sleeping curse, binding them together forever… A smile appeared on her lips, as she knew immediately what she had to do, certain that if he were in her place, would do exactly the same. Her heart was already his, and it wouldn't –couldn't– belong to anyone else. Not after all this. Her light hadn't been consumed by darkness, just as he always believed and reassured her, and now, she would give in to it. Deep in her heart, she knew, it was the only way, and that he would be saving him from a destiny he didn't deserve, not after dying as a true hero, but without resting in peace. She could feel it in her heart. In _their_ heart. Somewhere in the unknowable depths of the Underworld, he was being tormented; but she would save him, so both could live again. Life no longer felt like being alive without him. She had to bring him back. And she would.

She stood up and once again reached the window, staring at the infinite starry sky reflected in the ocean in twinkling specks of light, as blue as those eyes that had given her such peace and joy, and a soft smile dared in her lips.

" _Killian, I will find you. I will always find you._ "

* * *

 _ **Thoughts?**_


End file.
